The Self-Absorbed Child: Parenting Strategies

Parenting Patterns to Avoid with a Self-Absorbed Child
Unfortunately, it's heartbreakingly easy to give up on self-absorbed youngsters without realizing it. Whereas other children "teach" their parents what they need by demanding the right interaction, the self-absorbed child really depends on his parents to lead. He needs energetic wooing in order to be pulled into the world.

Some parents assume that the baby who seems uninterested in relating to them is simply asserting his personality. They have a nagging sense that something isn't quite right, but they tell each other, "I guess he'll grow out of it." They may be naturally low-key themselves, and not aware that if they revved themselves up when engaging with their baby, he would liven up himself. Other parents feel drained, with little emotional energy to devote to smiling and cooing at a seemingly uninterested child.

Some parents alternate between leaving the baby to his own devices and then overstimulating him with vigorous roughhousing - poking, tickling, and rolling around with him until he is overwhelmed and irritable. They then may begin blaming themselves, feeling that playing with him only "upsets him." Disappointed, they may revert to leaving him alone before trying to rouse him again a few hours or days later. Other parents simply find it too painful to keep wooing a child who seems to be rejecting them. "I can't stand it," one mother of a self-absorbed four-month-old told me. "It hurts when I try to play with her. I love her so much, and she hardly even looks at me."

Just as over a period of time the child develops his own self-image, or fantasy, about the world ("I am unlovable" or "Nobody cares"), the parent can also develop his or her own fantasy that interconnects with the child's fantasy. The parent may conclude that "I am a bad parent because my child doesn't love me. I'm a failure as a parent." The parent may have an angry response: "He's not reaching out to me, so I'm not going to reach out to him." Or the parent may create an existential solution: "He needs his space and I need my space, and we are both better off."

A parent's feelings come out in indirect ways. Some, understandably, become critical of their child - yelling at him for ignoring his brother, for example, when actually they are annoyed that he is ignoring them. Or, frustrated by their inability to create the relationship that they had hoped for, they may unintentionally pick at him for relatively minor offenses, such as slumping at the dinner table or leaving a toy on the floor.

For these reasons and others, some parents gradually and often unintentionally allow the child more and more time to retreat into his own world. Because he seems more content on his own, parents may leave him alone for long periods of time in his crib or stroller. At daycare or the babysitter's, busy care providers preoccupied with fussier babies may not give him much attention. Then, after mother and father take him home, they assume he is "tired out" from his long day at daycare and leave him to his own devices, while they cook dinner and wind down from their own long day. They may cuddle him, but without connecting emotionally.

It's easy for parents of such a child to remain absorbed in their own activities and work because their child doesn't seem to require much of their attention. He isn't getting into hot water at school (he may even be getting good grades), and he seems quiet and obedient and absorbed in his own activities at home. In addition, the child isn't giving them a lot emotionally. It's important to realize (although we often forget it) that we parents have feelings, also. When parents feel repeatedly rejected, they can unintentionally begin looking elsewhere for their satisfaction. The child can isolate himself further and further in his own lonely little world.

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