Limit Setting with Toddlers

Behavioral "fences"

By the time she is a year and a half old, your baby's need to explore the world and have her own way will run smack into your need to control some of her ramblings. Any self-respecting toddler will be outraged at your attempts to take away the crystal vase she has so patiently climbed up on the cabinet to reach. Sometimes, however, her provocative behavior reflects her intuitive understanding that she needs your feedback to rein herself in. In fact, while she's heading toward the object that she's been repeatedly warned away from, she may be shaking her head and mumbling "No, no!" to herself. Because she isn't capable yet of internalizing the thought "Maybe I shouldn't go get the no-no thing," she thinks out loud to you. Since she isn't heeding her own advice, she'll be needing some help. You might consider acting like a friendly corner policeman, saying, "Stop!" with your palm extended straight out in front of your face. Hopefully, she'll respond to your gestures and you won't have to scoop her up and park her on your hip, out of harm's way.

Without such limits, your child's life would be pretty scary at times. Her anger could overwhelm her, her acting out and explorations could endanger her, and no place would feel truly safe and secure. That's why part of loving a child means providing her with calm, consistent discipline and limits. The "calm" part of the prescription is pretty hard to maintain when your child is in the middle of a temper tantrum or is biting her older brother. However, calmness should certainly remain a goal when limit setting is in order.

Setting limits helps a child organize her behavior and feel in control. Just as you set up baby gates to keep your toddler from tumbling down the stairs, so must you provide her with behavioral "fences" that will guide her toward safe ways to express her feelings and explore her environment. Teaching a toddler about these borders is not the same as punishing her. In fact, once those limits are firmly planted in her mind she'll feel more free to explore the big, wide world.

How do you convey the concept of "No" or "Not now" to a year-old baby? You must speak the gestural language that you both share. She needs to see the seriousness on your face and the forcefulness of your pointing finger, and hear the gravity in your voice as you say "No!" By the time she's over a year and a half old, your child will usually respond to gestural limits, because she is starting to understand how the world works. It may be harder for you to distract her from pursuing forbidden activities now, though, because her sense of determination is more organized and purposeful. It will take more work on your part to deflect her from pulling on the lamp cord she's so enamored with. If you've already tried your corner-cop hand gestures, and trotted out your firmest voice, and she's still ignoring you, you may have to pick her up and take her to the other side of the room. Then, you can try offering the same warning hand motions and speak to her in the same deep voice, and see if you can get her to acknowledge your gestures with one of her own.

Sometimes it will be hard to engage your child's attention long enough to have her hear the seriousness of your tone or see it written on your face. She will learn to respect your vocal overtures if they are persistent, clear, and serious, and if there is enough love and security at the heart of your relationship. When you do recapture her attention, your serious looks and tone will have more meaning and impact on her than they did just a few months ago. Now she is able to associate these gestures with a whole pattern in your behavior that indicates you are in a serious, rather than a playful, mood.

When your toddler disintegrates into a wailing, negative display of flailing fists, recognize that she's probably suffering from her loss of control even more than you may be. She needs your help in regaining her equilibrium more than ever. The best way to do that is to get down on her level and sit eye-to-eye with her. Let her feel that although you're the boss you understand her dismay. You can radiate heat, and not the usual warmth she's used to basking in, without seriously hurting her feelings. Try to avoid behaving coldly or putting an emotional distance between the two of you. Your child will almost certainly continue to voice opposition for a while, which is expectable and normal.

When your toddler is raging, it may be useful to think of yourself as an authority figure along the lines of a Smokey the Bear. You're big and powerful, but not menacing. Your voice is measured and low, not shrill. You convey a sense of gentle firmness, and let your child see that you must reluctantly, but definitely, steer her toward self-control. If she tries to hit and bite you, you need to position yourself in front of her, and raise your voice slightly while intoning "No hitting." Use a stronger voice if she continues to pummel you, and set the muscles in your face more firmly.

It's very important to raise the volume of your voice in stages, starting at a 1 or 2 on a scale of 10. You may have to work up to an 8 before you're done, but slowly going up a scale in emphasis gives your child a chance to perceive the growing seriousness of your voice. It also allows her to show you that she is able to respond to a tone that is gentler than a drill sergeant's. If you use a constant sort of monotone when you speak to your toddler, or fail to intensify your facial expressions or body postures, you won't be taking full advantage of the expressive communication you've so painstakingly established with her.

For example, if your child is on the verge of sticking her wet finger in an electrical outlet, your voice should sound very different than when she is playfully about to take an extra bite out of your cookie. It's important to let her experience these differences in the seriousness of your limit setting, because she's learning about the world and needs to distinguish between true dangers and mild restrictions.

Another reason to offer feedback to your child as you start reestablishing limits is that your own pointing finger or grimace may help warn her that you're ready to blow your top before you actually have to impose a sanction. Similarly, if you pay attention to your child's body language you may see anticipatory signs that she's about to get into trouble. Her devilish expression will give you time to issue a warning before she actually misbehaves. This sort of gestural posturing is highly developed in the animal kingdom. Two stags may bellow and prominently display their antlers in a menacing way, seeing which one will back down so they can avoid a fight. Gestural communication appears to play a similar role in the safe handling of interpersonal conflicts in human beings.

Sometimes you can help your child recover from distress by reinvolving her in a complex negotiation for something she wants. For instance, if she has fallen apart when you've come inside because she wants to go back out and have more fun, you can calm her down by helping her to show you what she wants to do. After speaking to her in a soothing voice and empathizing with her frustration, you can observe whether she's pointing toward the window, or trying to say "Out" or "Go, go." She might run back to the door and knock on it, or try determinedly to turn the doorknob. If, on the other hand, you sense that she's at a loss when it comes to showing you that she wants to go out again, you might try taking her by the hand and leading her to the backdoor. Give the door a push, and invite her to do the same. You will thus be showing her how to make her desires more concrete.

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