When Aggression is Healthy in Children

Oddly enough, the appearance of aggressive themes in your child's pretend play and conversation during this stage can be another sign of developmental progress. As parents we want to foster feelings that fuel assertiveness and a healthy interest in power, yet control the acting out of aggression in which a child might hit, hurt, or break things. You'll see constructive uses of aggressiveness during your child's pretend play, when she takes on the role of the biggest and most powerful superhero who cuts the bad guys down to size, or becomes the most beautiful and talented ballerina in the company. You'll also notice when aggressiveness enters into her conversations with you, as she forcefully states her own point of view. Most parents try to promote this quality in their children; they don't want them to be timid or passive. They want their children to feel comfortable raising their hands in school, volunteering, participating in discussions, and holding their own during a debate.

All children need opportunities for exploring assertiveness, and rely on you to set behavioral limits that will keep their impulsive acting out in check. A lot of parents have special trouble dealing with their children's impassioned pleas for toy guns, swords, or space lasers, and feel appalled that their sweet-tempered children suddenly seem determined to ape the violence they see on television or at the movies. Parents should be encouraged to follow their own cultural and religious values, and allow only those toys in their home that they feel comfortable with. However, it is important to realize that if children aren't permitted to explore one avenue of assertiveness, they will need to explore another.

Many children will use their hands and fingers as pretend space lasers or guns despite their parents' best efforts to discourage violent play. It's important to recognize that you must offer your child some avenues of assertiveness. You want to help her use her words to elaborate all the themes of life, from power and assertiveness to sweetness and loving-kindness. If you cut out all areas of assertiveness from her experience, you'll be undermining a very important part of her emotional life. It's simply impossible for your child to avoid dealing with aggression. A child may manage temporarily to inhibit it but wind up becoming overly anxious or passive or controlled. The aggressive feelings may sneak out in more impulsive ways.

There are many ways within a variety of cultural and religious traditions to express assertiveness and to experiment with power using words and imaginative play. Perhaps a character could cast a magic spell on someone, or succeed in jumping higher than anyone else. Don't be surprised if Barney occasionally threatens to squash the other dolls in their beds! Even your child's accompanying dialogues may be filled with angry words.

Try not to overreact when your four-year-old temporarily becomes preoccupied with these aggressive themes. Each time she imagines herself to be bigger, stronger, and faster than the scariest creature that haunts her dreams, she regains a sense of control over her life. Combining her new interests with your warmth and empathy will, over time, help her join angry and loving feelings. This will enable her eventually to become a warm, loving, yet assertive, person.

As your child grows capable of linking her ideas into complex thoughts, she realizes that she is able to spark certain reactions in others. During make-believe sessions with you and others, she can assume the role of the bad guy and knock down houses and take aim at the good guys. She's waited a long time to feel powerful and in control, and now can safely test the boundaries of acting aggressively. The inviolate floor-time rules of never inflicting bodily harm or deliberately breaking toys provide her with a comforting set of limits; she knows you'll rein her in if her aggressive play gets too boisterous.

You may note an increase in your child's verbal feistiness around her fourth birthday. Because she's thinking more logically now, she's more willing to challenge your authority. After all, she can summon lots of good reasons why she shouldn't have to toe the line all the time. When you tell her to hurry up and get dressed, she may coolly inform you, "No, I won't get dressed. Clothes are stupid." Your child's bold words and aggressive pretend play give voice to her increased interest in power and grandeur, but she still has private feelings of being vulnerable. Fearful dreams may disrupt her sleep, and she may express daytime fears about aliens, ghosts, and monsters. These fears reflect an awareness of danger. Now that your child can mentally bridge her feelings of vulnerability to real as well as imagined threats, she may need extra time for loving, empathetic interaction with you to reassure her that bad things won't happen to her. She may even create an imaginary friend to provide her with an additional sense of security.

More on: Babies and Toddlers

Excerpted from:

Copyright © 1999 by Stanley I. Greenspan. Excerpted from Building Healthy Minds: The Six Experiences That Create Intelligence And Emotional Growth In Babies And Young Children with permission of its publisher, Perseus Books Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

To order this book visit perseusbooksgroup.com.