Talking About Peace

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ON THE MENU: Talking About Peace in Kosovo

FOR AGES: Ten and under

THE SCENE
"So the war's over," eight-year-old Jack says. "And now there's peace. Did the good guys win? Can the refugees go home now? Is everyone friends?"

For children living in peace, the war in Yugoslavia can seem more remote than the intergalactic battles in Star Wars. As we hold our collective breath about the prospects of peace, it's important to take time to help children sort through some of the painful, confusing issues about war and peace. In doing so, we can help them grapple with the complex issues of living in a diverse world, and learn to distinguish between real war and media-made violence.

Young children tend to see things in concrete terms: things are either all good or all bad. Ambiguity is hard for them to comprehend. Yet the truth about the peace in Kosovo is filled with ambiguity and uncertainty -- as are a great many events in the world. It's important to acknowledge that fact in our conversations with children.

FINDING THE WORDS

The Words: "Those are hard questions, but I'm glad you're asking them. I'm glad you care about the world."

The Reason: Support your child's interest in the world. At the same time, acknowledge the difficulty of the issues he or she is raising.

The Words: "The bombing has stopped. I'm hoping that people will keep the peace, but it may be difficult."

The Reason: It's okay to share the complex reality with children that this peace may only be temporary. Milosevic is still in power; the peace agreement says that the Kosovo Liberation Army will demilitarize, but not disarm. We don't know what kind of retaliations might take place on either side.

The Words: "Everyone does good things and bad things -- so it's hard to talk about 'good guys' and 'bad guys' in real life. But killing and torturing people because of their race or religion is always wrong."

The Reason: Even as we help children understand that real war is not waged by cartoon "good guys" and "bad guys," we have to take a clear moral stance against atrocities such as ethnic cleansing and genocide.

The Words: "The Kosovar Albanians will probably start to return to Kosovo, but many of their homes and villages have been destroyed."

The Reason: Children need to learn that one important difference between fantasy war and real war is that the victims of a real war often don't experience a clean, happy ending. Let children know that the Kosovar Albanians and the Serbs are going to need a great deal of help rebuilding.

The Words: "It's true that Americans weren't killed in the fighting, but lots of other people were. It's terrible that anyone -- regardless of race, nationality, or religion -- has to die in a war."

The Reason: It's important for children to understand that all human life -- not just American life -- is sacred. We can be glad that no Americans were killed in the fighting, but at the same time, we are sad and horrified that innocent people of other nationalities died in the war.

The Words: "It would be great if the Serbs and the ethnic Albanians could be friends, but even if they can't, they still have to find ways to live together peacefully. We don't have to be friends with everybody, but we have to be able to live and work with them."

The Reason: It's unrealistic to expect children to be friends with everybody. But getting along with all kinds of people, and finding peaceful ways to resolve conflicts, are essential life skills.

The Words: "It's hard for adults to understand what's going on in Kosovo. Let's keep talking about it."

The Reason: Children's understanding of complex situations changes as they grow and develop. Let children know that talking about war and peace in Kosovo can be an ongoing conversation.

BEYOND THE RAP
If you take an ongoing interest in the fate of the Kosovar Albanians and Serbs, you will help your children understand that there is a very real aftermath to war. Sharing stories about individual families and children will help put a human face to the tragedy.

You may be interested in donating money or collecting clothes for the refugees. Engaging children in that process is a way of helping them feel connected to the world. It also helps them begin a lifetime of social responsibility, working to make things better for other people.

More on: Communicating with Your Kids