Sex Education

by Betsy Van Dorn

Bringing up children in the current climate surrounding the subject of sex is anything but easy. Whether it's AIDS, homosexuality, sexual harassment, or the barrage of mixed messages that affect body image and self esteem, it's not surprising so many parents feel inadequate navigating the territory.

Nowadays, sex education -- or some variation thereof -- is a fixture in most schools. How can you tell if the program in your school is any good? I talked to Margo Smith, a 20-year sex-education veteran who teaches kindergarten and adolescent growth education in Massachusetts, and Elizabeth Archer, a psychologist and adolescent counselor in Connecticut. For a reality check, I bounced the pro's ideas off Minnesota sixth-grade Annie, and New Hampshire high-school senior Will. Everyone agreed on the following principles:

A good sex education program doesn't focus exclusively on sex. It includes it in a broader discussion of how people relate to one another. In some schools, it's called -- much more appropriately -- "growth education."

Growth education is family centered. It begins in kindergarten, with the questions: "What makes a family? What binds people together? How does it feel to be part of a community?" It recognizes the different forms that families take and emphasizes tolerance and respect.

Straightforward, factual information about sex is part of a much larger discussion that includes: expressing love, taking responsibility for another person, staying healthy, and making informed decisions.

Throughout their development, children need to hear and discuss certain issues over and over. Different ages listen with different ears.

The best classes are staffed by both a man and a woman, sometimes in rotation. Classes frequently break up into groups of boys-only and girls-only. Students are encouraged to write down questions they'd like to ask the opposite sex.

Classes take on the media. One teacher asked his students to bring in pictures from fashion magazines. "How many of you fit this image?" he asked. He produced a McDonald's ad. "Funny how we're being encouraged to eat this and still look like this. Are we getting some mixed messages here?" This provokes a lively discussion of body image, which leads to the subject of eating disorders, exercise, and diet.

There's no hidden agenda. Any program that treads on the sensitive territory of morality and personal values is going to prompt some parents to worry, "They're going to convert (or brainwash) my kid." Good teachers should be able to respond, "We're not here to change anyone's mind. We're here to say, This is what we know. We're interested in what you think and feel. We want to help you make informed decisions."

The home front

One reason schools have taken on the role of sex educators is that many parents feel more comfortable having someone else raise these issues with their kids. But addressing the issues at school isn't the same as responding to them at home. The kids I sampled said they would go to their parents with a question before they would go to their teachers. Then there's the issue of which parent they'd go to. "I'd definitely go to my mom if I were messed up," says Annie, "but my dad? Forget it. He'd be furious! He'd lecture me forever after."

Are you an "askable" parent?

A lot of parents complain that their children never talk to them about intimate issues. Often, it's because kids feel their parents judge too quickly and too harshly. They pick up on this and may hesitate to talk for fear of being similarly judged. On the other hand, some kids simply aren't the confiding type. You can be the most approachable parent on the planet and still have a child who never comes to you with intimate problems. Don't beat up on yourself. Continue to be "askable" and your teen will know you're there for the asking.

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